Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in magneuz's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 16th, 2010
12:55 pm	the wonders of the mind  I had an exam today. I got dressed, walked out the door, and then sat down on the stairs and burst in to tears. I've spent weeks sitting at home, with my laptop and notes and textbooks, literally for hours at a time, and getting a bare minimum of work done.  The diagnosis of potential ADD, on top of my trichotillomania- of what, 5 years now? 6?- wasn't that much of a shock. For one thing, if you already have this kind of condition, it is extremely likely that there is something running deeper- I was sort of expecting mild OCD, but ADD fits too, especially if I look back to what I was like in school. Constantly forgetting something, and feeling stupid about it. It went beyond the occasional "I forgot to do my homework" but it was about everything. I managed to do fairly well for the exams, but day-to-day life in school was a constant struggle. The worst part has been desperately trying to study, actively wanting to, sitting over my books for 12 hours a day and ending up making notes on one set of lecture slides during that time. I think the frustration of doing this, yet my grades slipping slowly, finally took its toll on me today. I didn't go for the exam. It's better if I just repeat the module next year (Thank God it's not a big deal here)... but the waste of all the unproductive hours I've put in is frustrating. It is slightly comforting to know that it's not really my fault, and now that I know what the problem is (most probably, although it will be confirmed next week) it will be easier to find ways to actively deal with it, and get my studies back on track. The difference between here and Singapore is the structure, and apparently I thrive in a solid, fixed external structure. When I heard this, I had to laugh and thought back at Box and all the philosophical debates and complaints we had about Singapore's structure. Here, I have so much time on my hands but not the capability to really fix and solidify my own schedule for it to work. Not yet, anyway. I never thought that could be the problem- too much time. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2010
2:26 pm	On the banks of the Amstel  Finally, I'm a relaxed, happy person (except for the lack of The Boyfriend.). I am so glad we made the decision to get up and leave- it's been a really long, tough past few months but I am starting to feel I'm finally getting settled down in Amsterdam. The job department is rather slow but I haven't tapped into my last-resort options yet- the Irish pubs. Hoping someone will call me this week! I was in really bad shape a few months ago, my depression took a turn for the worse and there were a few really, really bad weeks. I'm glad it's over, and really grateful for the support that I got. Find your happiness! to quote Elina. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 15th, 2010
11:28 am	Hup Holland! I love how I ask people here how much they study for the final exams and they always answer that a few days before the exam. I think it's unfair to even begin to compare this to SMU, where the study areas were packed on Sundays and public holidays. It's stopped snowing, and is actually above 0, although parts of Saarland still have snow here and there. Right now, I'm in Saarbruecken, Germany, which is also known as the middle of nowhere. Next week is the exam week, and then I'll be in London for two weeks. Evidently, missing school is really not that big of a deal here, which is something I find really hard to get used to. Can't wait to be there + see Ritika again. Dutch is a surprisingly easy language, so far at least, anyway. They labelled me a quick learner according to an idiotic intelligence test they make everyone take, and thus slotted me into the beginner's quick learners course. Unfortunately for me, every other beginner there has been in the course for six or seven months, so it's rather hard to follow, to say the least.  It's also really, really difficult to meet/ get to know people: if you're talking to one of them, it's fine, but the moment another Dutch person comes along they start talking over your (well, my) head in Dutch. This is usually literal, because the Dutch are one of the tallest nationalities in the world, and I'm really not that tall. Well, actually I am petite here, which is quite funny. However: so glad I'm here, although I miss people terribly. Skype FTW. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
11:37 am	Be strong, little marshmallow. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 20th, 2009
7:18 pm	So I just rejected the first decent professional theatre role I was offered. Exams suck. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 10th, 2009
2:29 pm	Cheap thrills, i.e. I blame this on Beth Dear XXX, I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg outside of your office and I saw you sit on on my boyfriend. I'm sure you're frostbitten enough to understand that you need a sex-change. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your glass eye as a memory. You should also know that I told my psychiatrist about the bruises and you ruined my attempts at another world war. You everlasting enemy, Me 1) What's the color of your shirt? Blue - I'm in love with your cat Red - Our affair is over White - I’m joining the Convent Black - Our romance is over Green- Our socks don't match Grey - You're a leprechaun Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy Pink - Your nostrils are insulting Brown - The mafia wants you No shirt - You're mean Other -I dislike your eyelashes 2) Which is your birth month? January - That night you picked your nose February -When I quoted Forest Gump March - When your dwarf bit me April - When I tripped on peanut butter May - When I threw up in your sock drawer June - When you put cuffs on me July – When you smacked my ass August - When I saw the purple monkey September - Last year when you peed in your pants October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub November - When your dog humped my leg December - When I finally changed my underwear 3) Which food do you prefer? Tacos - In your apartment Lasagna- In your car Pasta - Outside of your office Hamburgers - Under the bus Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner Chicken - In your closet Kebab - With Jean Chrétien Fish - In a clown suit Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert Pizza - At the mental hospital Hot dog - Under a street light Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper 4) What's the color of your socks? Yellow - Ignore Red - Put whipped cream on Black - Hit on Blue - Knock out Purple - Pour syrup on White - Carve your initials into Grey - Pull the clothes off Brown - bit of Orange - Castrate Pink - Pull the pants off of Barefoot - Sit on Other - Drive over 5) What's the color of your underwear? Black - My boyfriend White - My father Grey – The Catholic Priest Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie Purple - My corned beef hash Red – My knee caps Blue - My salt-beef bucket Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana Orange - My Blink 182 CD Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude Other --The elephant in the corner 6) What do you prefer to watch on TV? One Tree Hill - Senile Heroes - Frostbitten Lost - High Simpsons - Cowardly The news - Scarred American Idol - Sexy Family Guy - Open Top Model - Middle-class Annat - shamed 7) Your mood right now? Happy - How awful you are Sad - How boring you are Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men Angry - That your smell makes me vomit Depressed – That we’re related Excited - That I may pee in my pants Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you Worried - That your Ford sucks Apathetic - That you need a sex-change Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobes Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist Silly - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid Other - That your driving sucks 8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom? White - Your toe ring Yellow - Your love letters to me Red - The pictures from Vegas Black - Your pet rock Blue - The couch cushions Green - Your car Orange - Your false teeth Brown - Your nose hair clippers Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket Pink - The cut toenails Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear 9) The first letter of your first name? A/B - My virginity C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it E/F - Your neighbour’s dog G/H - The oil tank from your car I/J - Your left ear K/L - The results of that blood-sample M/N - Your glass eye O/P - My common sense Q/R - Your mom S/T - Your collection of butterflies U/V - Your criminal record W/X – Your suicide note Y/Z - Your credit cards 10) The last letter in your last name? A/B - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises C/D - Always will remember the pep talks E/F -Never will forget that night G/H – Hate your cooking I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly K/L - I will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching O/P - Was interviewed about the car you stole Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart W/X - Haven’t showered in a month Y/Z – am better off without you 11) What do you prefer to drink? Wine- Our friendship is ruined Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo Milk - The apartment building is on fire Water – I'm scratching my ass as you read this Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war Mineral water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine Other – you should stop picking your nose 12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation? Thailand – Warm tingly sensations Australia - Best of luck on the sex change France - Love always Spain - With tears of sadness China – You make me sick Germany – Please don’t hurt me Japan - Go milk a cow Greece - Your everlasting enemy USA - Greetings to your frog Egypt – Kiss my butt England - Go drown yourself Dear (someone you've talked to recently), I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4)(5) . I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11). (12), Your name. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
9:54 am	See no evil. You would think, it'll be easy to find a monkey in SMU. Two auditions, three weeks and four cast changes later... I'm still missing a monkey. Then, a miracle occurs and I find a monkey. Five minutes (literally. It was five minutes. Gawd.) I get a call from my first monkey who tells me he has a flight to Cambodia the morning of the last show, so I'm back where I was with two monkeys. Anyway, I finally have my full cast of three monkeys now, and interestingly enough they consist of three different generations of Acsian Theatre members. This was pretty much a coincidence. Only one is not from SMU, but shh. As Monkey #2 said, you'll always turn back to AC. I'm not sure whether she was being sarcastic. All hail the chimps. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
11:49 am	Because Beth made me. http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx I agree with Beth. It IS scarily accurate. Except for the type of boyfriend/ readiness to commit. Because I think, in application to me, it's bull. Ah well. Your view on yourself: You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties. The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true. Your readiness to commit to a relationship: You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. The seriousness of your love: You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with? Your views on education Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can. The right job for you: You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success. How do you view success: You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. What are you most afraid of: You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel. Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
12:43 pm	I really should be either doing my math homework (which I, once again, don't understand) or working on my Leadership & Teambuilding presentation (which is a waste of time, but I need to do it to get my grade). I obviously cannot be bothered to do either at the moment. SMUs interesting, but all the projects & presentations are insanely time-consuming. Plus I seem to have two CCAs.... Literally half of my closest friends have flown off to USA in an attempt to achieve a better/ more interesting education and valuable life experiences, and all that jazz. I miss them. Plus there's the small fact of me still being stuck in Singapore for the eleventh year. So much for, oh, we're only going to Singapore for 3 to 5 years, then we're definitely going back! I guess now that I'm in uni, I'm seeing people (I'm not the only Caucasian!) on exchange here, and the friends who could have left. I mean, I'm technically Czech. I can speak, read and write it fluently, I know the culture, the food, (the alcohol!) and the country. I have the passport which proclaims my Czech-ness, but I can't say I actually feel a strong connection to the place. I lived there for a grand total of four and a half years (with a break in between), then in different parts of America, and then I've been no-so-happily stagnant in Singapore for eleven years. I don't think of myself as Czech because I feel lost (literally and figuratively) whenever I go back or whenever I'm in a Czech community. I don't think of myself as Singaporean and I definitely don't think of myself as American. I guess I started thinking about all this recently because it seems that everyone I meet at SMU asks me whether I'm an International student, whether I'm on exchange, how long I've been here etc etc etc. I guess it's kind of a good thing, that I have international exposure and all that jazz, but I don't really feel like I belong anywhere in particular. It's rather sad, considering how bloody long I've been in Singapore, but I really can't wait to get the hell out of this place, even though it's goin to take another 4 to 7 years more. (Damn government bond.) Yes, I do realise that Singapore has some great advantages like the safety, but there are some things about this place that irk me to no end. Right, as always, math awaiteth. I can't seem to get away from it... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
9:27 pm	I think I've written more things in my diary in the past five weeks then I have in the past year. This trip to London+Prague has been a huge eyeopener for me- plus I think/ know a number of things are going to change drastically when I get back to Singapore. I've (kind of) come to terms with this- ok not really, but the fits of near-hysteria have become significantly less regular.  (Rather emotional, rather obsessive, very far-reaching imagination- yeah, not the best combination.) I'm really going to miss Europe. I've had such a phenomenal time here, first with The Best Friend in London, then with The Family & Others in Prague/ Czech Republic. In case you're interested, yes, I'll put up photos eventually, but my camera-to-computer cable was left behind with The Best Friend and is probably somewhere in India now. Don't ask. I'm sure I'll get it eventually....... I'm kind of looking forward to returning (surprise, surprise!), since I know I have several vaguely important things to deal with when I get back. Which have been running through my mind for weeks, and are slooowly beginning to drive me crazy. Crazier? Whichever. Oh well. I still have almost a week left in Prague. I really don't know when I'm going to be here again, which is kind of sad considering this is technically my home country. The fact that I don't really feel very Czech is probably sadder, but whatever... Meh. See you guys soon=) P.S. OH MY GOD EURO WHAT?? ugh. just when I started becoming slightly patriotic. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
7:08 pm	here's to jolly old england... The flights are finally booked - my trip to UK is confirmed! Two weeks with my best friend, whom I haven't seen for four years and miss dreadfully. And then going to prague for another three weeks after that =) ooh West End awaits- have already planned what we're going to watch =))) Avenue Q, Wicked and Monty Python - potentially Grease or Les Mis. And shall join beth in the Tolkien Stalker Club by sitting under his old window. ahaha. maybe not. Have I mentioned I can't wait?  Now to get a job to pay for it....... Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 15th, 2007
12:13 pm	TEN DAYS TILL FREEDOM. (or till we no longer have an excuse as to why we don't have a life.) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 13th, 2007
9:49 pm	Joy to the world. Maggie is not so dense after all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 7th, 2007
11:25 pm	to DEP '07 "Light up the stage, it's time for a show-down" (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
1:00 pm	tomorrow, tomorrow... fear. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
1:34 pm	3:0!!! Take that, you conceited bastards! hee.  (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 21st, 2006
5:30 pm	Surprise me. If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your online journal (if you've got one) and be surprised (or moritified) about what people remember about you. (22 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 10th, 2006
1:08 pm	So. Yesterday was the first time I danced on stage. Thankfully went well, didn't fall/get dropped/break down the pyramid. I was so damn scared when we were getting ready though. I was completely fine after the marking on the actual 'stage' but before that I nearly threw up. And! South Africa tonight! After 2 hours of calling people up yesterday I managed to get the fleece jacket. So I will not be slaughted by Mrs C. For this, anyway. Current Mood: excited (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
1:40 pm	I've just realised something. In less than a week, I'm going to be dancing. In public. Oh, God. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
11:39 pm	The worst of NoL is OVER! I don't have to come on Saturday for Bits and Pieces! Madams think I need a break =) I still have to sort out tickets for Saturday's show and do the final tabulation next week. Then it will be officially OVER. I never, ever, ever want to do ticketing or producuction work again. Ever. It was THE most stressful non-exam work I have ever done. Towards the end I was kinda on the verge of breaking down. I have no idea how many people actually told me "Breathe! Relax! Calm down! Are you sick?" etc etc etc. Inluding all the three teachers. Heh. I think I was pretty much bouncing around after the production ended today. NoL will be over soon!! I just found out that the entry for ACJC Arts is 8 points. I have 10. (Comment on this)